What do I do if my kid is getting bullied online?

Question and Answer series with Michelle McCullough

October is National Bullying Awareness Month and with a cell phone in the hands of almost every teen, the subject of cyber bullying deserves attention and discussion.

Today I’m going to share three tips to help your kids if they are being bullied and two tips to help your kid if THEY are the bully.

This post features some frequently asked questions on cyber bullying.

Question #1:
It seems like cyber bulling cases are becoming more and more frequent. What would you say is the first step if they’re being bullied online?

Michelle: Take it offline. Don’t continue to engage in the conversation virtually. Stop the digital dialogue because you won’t be able to change their minds. Decide if you need to address it with the person or parents over the phone or in person and involve any other parties that may need to be notified. Use the three D’s to work through serious situations: Document, discuss and delete.

Question #2:
Once things are said, even if it’s deleted, it can stay with someone for a long time. Maybe even forever. How do you start to process and resolve the situation?

Michelle: It can be tempting to back go the scene and see what else has been said and get back into the conversation, that’s why it’s important to make a change. Perhaps limit social media use, if it happened on Instagram, give it break for awhile, let the “news cycle” change if you will. Fill the time with something else completely. Go to a movie, read a book but change things up.

Question #3:
What do you recommend if it continues to happen or if your child isn’t “bouncing back”?

Michelle: Don’t be afraid to get additional support. Your child may need counseling or support at school with teachers and administration. Don’t wait. The longer things go unresolved the worse they can be long term. That’s why the acting is SO important. Resolve the issue with the kid or parents, but make sure your child gets professional help if needed.

Question #4:
Now let’s turn the tables, what if you find out your kid is the bully?

Michelle: This is where we use the three Cs. Collect, Clean and Checkup.
Before you dive into the convo with your kid, make sure your facts are straight. Collect information to make sure you have a good picture of what happened.
Talk to your kid and clean it up. If they need to delete something, make sure it gets done, if they need to make amends, make sure they do it verbally or in person – not just online. Help them understand that seeing someone and having to say it to their face makes the difference.
Finally, checkup. After the events check in with your kid, with the platform used and continue to keep the conversation going.

Only a few things I’ve learned in 2017

What Have You Learned?

I have learned to allow my body more time to rest and heal than I think I need. I have learned to rely on my support team in bigger ways. I have learned that it’s never wrong to put my family first. I have learned that when my priorities are right I make more money than the hustle. I have learned that it’s not about the money. I have learned that the new things we think will solve our problems won’t. It’s not about finding something new, it’s about realizing the classics and the true. I have learned that my self-confidence cannot be based on what others think about me, want me to be or about what size I am. I’ve learned to be a little more and do a little less. I’ve learned about patience. I’ve learned that people grow and change and there’s still a core to love with them. I’ve learned that my kids are my bucket list. I’ve learned how to consume the news in a way that helps me live in knowledge but not fear. I’ve learned to spend more time with the Lord in his word and with the words of the prophets (and that I still have more to learn). I’ve learned that I’m still doing some things because I think I should instead because it’s something I want to do. I’ve learned that I was too busy and next year will be different. I’ve also learned that my life is awesome, my kids are awesome and love truly is the answer to everything.
What have you learned?

Why Travelling with My Kids is SO Important

  • be980738-92ad-4db3-b081-6d3ee06769adI come from a long line of world travelers.  Some ancestors pass on dimples or bushy eyebrows (I got those, too…sigh), my grandparents passed on the travel bug.  My dad’s father was a travel agent and toured the world many times over.  In his home he has a map with all the places he’s been marked by colored pins – different colors share the number of times he’s been to a specific location.  My mom’s father was a tour guide for Brigham Young University’s Travel Study program.  He, too, was a globetrotter visiting every continent multiple times.

My mom carried on this tradition and took us kids on a family trip once or twice a year.  Even as a single mom she carted four kids all over.  We went to New York City, San Francisco, Anaheim (Disneyland & Universal Studios), Mexico, Idaho, and what felt like hundreds of national parks.  She didn’t let her single status stop her from taking us on amazing adventures. I’ll be forever grateful.

I know that’s one reason I LOVE my job.  Opportunities to speak and consult all over the country help me scratch the itch of travel.  I dream of the days when I take my kids on solo trips, paid for by event planners.

This year included many travel memories I won’t forget. In October I went with my mom to see the Northern Lights in Alaska, a bucket list trip in celebration of her 60th birthday.   In September I got to go with my husband to Germany where he checked off his bucket list item: driving a German car on the Autobahn at unlimited speed.  (We topped out at 240 kms, which is about 150 miles per hour).  In both cases I went along for other people’s bucket list’s and my mom asked, “What’s on your bucket list?”

Quite frankly, I feel like travel of any kind checks things off my bucket list and I don’t have to go far.

This summer I took my kids to Universal Orlando Resort.  My brother Merlin joined us from Philadelphia and my sister Melinda flew with us from Salt Lake we had a great time!  My kids enjoyed interactive wands and we explored the new Volcano Bay.  It was a week I’ll never forget.

I live by the philosophy, experiences beat stuff, hands down.  We can fill our kids room with things (that never get played with) or we can take them on trips, take a bajillion pictures (I’m still an avid scrapbooker) and talk about the fun we had for weeks and months to come.  Seeing a new place, or even visiting an old favorite lasts longer – even if the price tag is higher.  Yes, yes, my kids still have stuff, but we save our pennies for trips.

I also believe that it’s important in our family to let my kids earn money and pay for trips – they’ll appreciate them more.  One of the reasons I love being an entrepreneur is because I get to create my own money.  I want to teach my kids that money doesn’t show up, you get to work for it. Both of my kids are under the age of 10, but they have been earning their trips since they were little.  Now they earn money, but then they earned stickers.  We don’t do this for family reunions and ALL trips, but we love to have them earn at least souvenir money, but often it’s a lot more.

Whether we can afford to pick up the tab or not, something magical happens when my kids get to earn their own money.  They learn the value of money and that trips aren’t cheap, and they get to have a sense of pride when they’re there – they appreciate it more than if mom and dad pay for everything.  It was super nice this year to tell them that they needed to earn all of their Universal spending money.  My son spent every dime in the Transformers store (his favorite ride from the trip) and my daughter spent $5 here and $5 there buying churros and pretzels and her last $12 was spent on a Minions fanny pack, but there were no fights or begging for me to buy stuff.  They had the money or they didn’t and it was great all around.

They sold cookies and ties, did extra jobs for me and others and worked really hard.  I want my kids to know that if they want something, they can work hard and earn it. While we were walking through the Diagon Alley and riding Gringots for tenth time I was so grateful that I hadn’t just caved and paid for it.  I probably spent 50 hours in the kitchen helping the kids make cookies, and if I had spent that time in my business, I would have made 50 times the money.  But it felt good to teach the kids the value of a dollar and it turns out we all liked the trip a bit more because we put some time into it.

In the end I’m collecting memories.  Sure, I’d love to go to Italy or see the Great Wall of China, but right now, travelling with my kids and helping them make solid memories is my bucket list.  I love the theme from the park, “Dreams are Universal.”  Being with my family this summer felt like heaven and I’ll have those memories forever.

Accidental Celebrity

Accidental CelebrityI shared this memory the other day, but didn’t share the story. So here you go:

Here’s a Throwback Thursday from the Embarrassing Adventures of Michelle files… About a decade ago, my grandparents took 40+ of us on a cruise. On the first night we all met up for karaoke (my FAVE!). I ended up getting there a little late. A girl was singing a little Gloria Estefan when I arrived. After she was done, the MC said, “Who else would like to sing some Gloria Estefan? Who thinks they can sing it better?” I like a good challenge and let’s be honest, she has some great tunes. I sing an entertaining rendition of 1,2,3 (what I don’t have in voice, I make up with groovy moves and not taking myself too seriously.) After I’m done, the MC has me stay and brings the other girl up for a clap off. I win that with flying colors and then hear “Michelle is the winner! She gets to sing in our finale performance on Saturday Night!” (Insert record scratch) Huh? I missed that part. I thought this was just a friendly Gloria competition and it was really a crowd sourced group audition. So. For the rest of the cruise I got to attend costume and wig fittings, practices and sweat feasts as I look at how many people fit in that auditorium. Including three rows of my Aunts, Uncles and Cousins. My brother won the Ricky Martin competition by the way. Well, there you go. One time I accidentally played a very white, a very uncoordinated Gloria Estefan on a cruise ship for hundreds of people! Turns out the “Rhythm is Gonna Get Ya” for reals. Should you need further proof, I have it on DVD and will gladly have a viewing for $100 a head.

Letting Go Of The Past For A Powerful Future

Like you, I’ve had circumstances in my life where I had to choose to hang on to bitterness or forgive and really be free.  My parents divorced when I was 7.  My dad died tragically of SARS when I was 22.  He never met my kids, and they didn’t get to meet him.  I was fired wrongfully from a position over a scheduling mix up, that a company wasn’t willing to resolve.  The list goes on, right?
I heard a woman say once, “You can be bitter or you can be better.”
It’s easier to be bitter, but we can only let go of the past if we let it go and truly choose the better path.
Here are three exercises I use to leave the past in the past:
1. DO SOMETHING: Pick an old situation that still festers in your heart and do something about it.  Apologize, right a wrong, do an act of service for someone who hurt you, or if nothing else – write a letter.  You may never get to send it, but write a letter sharing your thoughts so that you can get everything you’re feeling on paper.
2. WRITE A LEARNING PAGE: Take an experience and write 10 things that experience taught you.  Maybe you’ve learned how to respond better, or how NOT to do something.  Maybe you learned what’s in your control and “no control” column. Maybe you learned that no matter what people do to you, kindness back never hurts.  This can help you reframe the past and choose what you can learn from it to move on.
3. PRACTICE GRATITUDE EVERY DAY: When you find yourself stuck in a victim mindset, it can be easy to look for everything that’s going wrong.  Train your brain to look for everything that is going right.  When I was in the middle of a heart breaking divorce, I felt like I was justified to feel sad and wronged.  I carried this attitude about me for weeks.  After reading Sarah Breathnach’s book “Simple Abundance” I reluctantly took on her gratitude journal challenge.  I did it to almost prove her wrong. I wanted to prove to her and the world that sometimes you just can’t find things to be grateful for.  It took a couple of weeks of consistently writing down 5 things a day to start to really SEE things differently.  Instead of pointing out all that went wrong, I started to find all the ways God was preserving me through the trial.  An out-of the blue call from a friend, a kind package left on my step, birds chirping out my window, a test that went easier than I had planned, etc.  Gratitude didn’t change my circumstances, it changes me.
I am moved by the story of Viktor Frankl.  Sent to a Nazi concentration camp, he survived on positivity and forgiveness, when it would be so easy to hate.  His parents died, his wife died, his brother died.  Only his sister survived.
You could survive an experience like that by blame and becoming a victim or you can choose to rise above.
I had the opportunity to sign Viktor Frankl’s Book of Greats when I spoke at a TEDx event a few years ago.  There was such a powerful feeling when I signed it.
We’re human.  Life will throw us some curve balls.  Our greatest challenge is not avoiding these trials, but figuring out how to rise above them and move on.
To your future!
– Michelle
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How to Ask for What You Want – The Art of Persuasion

Bless my patient husband’s heart. Living with a dreamer like me can be a real trial. I constantly have ideas. Lots of ideas. I have ideas about businesses I want to start, trips I want to take, projects I’m ready to begin, activities to do with the kids, and new parenting tips I want to try. Many of my ideas require his help or support, but since I don’t always take action on every idea, he listens to me talk and philosophize and then patiently waits for me to narrow them down before he involves himself. It’s a lesson he’s learned over time.Working Smarter.Not Harder-3

Over the years I’ve also learned a few things, including the difference between sharing my ideas and dreams and actually enrolling people in them. Persuasion is powerful, but it can often turn into manipulation if we’re not careful. On the other end of the spectrum, sometimes we think we are enrolling people, when in actuality we aren’t even clearly stating our needs. Many peak performers are good communicators by nature, but if it’s not a skill you have, it’s definitely one you can master with practice.

I had to learn this the hard way. I hit bumps on my road to fine tuning this craft. For example, I produce events for entrepreneurs, and for years Startup Princess held an annual conference every fall. The second year I was involved I remember having especially busy a week before the date of the conference. I thought I was enlisting the help of my husband each time I made a statement such as, “There’s so much to do.” or “I don’t know how I’m going to get all of this done.”

I was frustrated that he wasn’t getting it, and I continued on this way until I finally snapped. In a moment of anger I barked at him, “Don’t you remember I have a big event this week?” Still, he didn’t interpret this as meaning, “Will you please help me?” Instead, he calmly responded, “You’re a smart, capable woman. You seem like you had everything under control.”

I’m ashamed to say that this experience eroded a little of my most important relationship, and it was no one’s fault but my own. I hadn’t been expressing my needs clearly, yet I was upset when my husband didn’t read my mind and come to my rescue. It was a communications breakdown on MY part.  When we have expectations without expressing them, we’re the ones at fault.

Has something like this ever happened to you? Stop expecting the people in your life to have a crystal ball. If you want help, support, or encouragement, ask for it!

When it comes to peak performance and goal achievement, we can all do better at enrolling people in our vision. Giving orders, dictating assignments, or yelling commands won’t entice people to willingly support your mission. I’ve found the most effective form of persuasion is enrollment.

What is the difference between simply asking for help and enrollment?

Enrollment is a conversation where you share your vision with another person, discuss the desired outcome, and then agree on a course of action.

Lucky for you, I’ve done the dirty work on what works and what doesn’t when it comes to enrollment. After a lot of trial and error, I’ve fine-tuned a simple formula for negotiating and creating a solid win-win agreement you can use to get the results you want.

As I lay out the steps, consider how enrollment can work in relationships with your spouse, boss, employees, friends, kids, family, and others. The words and the approach may be different, but the general idea will be the same.

First, share the vision. Explain your goal and tell them why it’s important to you. Help them understand the passion driving you to chase this dream and what it will mean to you when you achieve it. Passion is contagious.

Second, commit to the goal. You may even want to say the words, “I’ve thought this out.” This one has been especially helpful in my relationships since ideas flow out of my mouth freely. I want whoever I’m talking to to know I’ve sifted through other ideas, and I’m committed to this one. In some cases you have to acknowledge that you realize past goals have flopped, but you’re committed this time.

Third, explain the plan and outline the specific support you need to accomplish your goal or project. What roles do other people play in this plan? Do you simply need support and encouragement, or are there specific action items you will need to assign someone?

This is where a lot of the conversation will take place because it’s not just about what getting what you want. There could be circumstances you haven’t considered or valid questions or concerns raised by your counterpart. Be open to adjusting the plan in favor of creating a mutually beneficial situation.

Once you feel like you’re on the same page, the fourth and most important step is asking what I call a “question of support”. It’s essentially the handshake of the conversation and can be something as simple as, “Can I get your support in this project?” One of my favorite questions is, “Under what circumstances could I get your support on this?” (Sometimes that question slips into part three.)

Here’s an example of how I should have approached my husband for help during event week.

Step 1: “Hi Honey. You’ve probably seen on the calendar that our big event is coming up next week. I’m feeling overwhelmed by it all. This event is important to our business. We have more than 150 women coming from all across the country, and I really want everything to run smoothly so we can make a good impression.”

Step 2: “I know in the past I’ve left a lot of things to the last minute, and I’m committed to working over the next couple of days so I’m not crazy two days before the event.

Step 3: “There are a lot of ways I could use your help accomplishing this. I’m going to need some extra help with the baby this week and I’d also really appreciate it if you could take care of dinner. If you have some extra time at night, I could use your help putting together packets and typing name tags.”

Step 4: “What things would you be willing to help me do?”

See how much better that came out of my mouth? Being clear and specific is much more effective at persuading people to enlist in your cause. This is especially true if your previous tactic has been snapping at people when they don’t read your mind.

Consider how this could work if you’re asking a friend or loved one to help you accomplish a goal. I’m going to show you one more (hypothetical) example.

Step 1: “Hi Friend. This year, my goal is to lose 40 pounds. I really want to be healthier, and I feel like losing the weight will help me feel better about myself and allow me to keep up with my family.”

(She, of course, congratulates me and says some encouraging words.)

Step 2: “The holidays were a bust to my routine and I got out of the habit of exercise. Starting now I’m going to give up soda and go to the gym five times a week. I also talked to my doctor and she recommended the right calorie intake for my body and goals, so I’m going to track my food every day.”

(She says additional encouraging things like, “Awesome! You’ve got this!”

Step 3: “I know I’ve trained you and all of my other friends to bring me a treat every time you bake, so I’m going to need to respectfully decline them so I’m not tempted. I’d also love to check in with you once a week for a little accountability.”

(She’s nodding at this point, and patting me on the back. Hypothetically, of course.)

Step 4: “Could you help me with those two things?”

Works like a charm.

This process is especially powerful when you delegate a task to an employee or anyone who may be helping you with something. Here’s an outline of an enrolling conversation in a work environment.

Step 1: “Hi Sandy, we’re getting ready for a big product launch and we’re super excited. The initial buzz has been awesome and I can’t wait to see the response. This product is really going to help.”

Step 2: “Our goal is to have a huge opening week by taking preorders three weeks in advance. Our print and television advertising campaign is in full swing, and our social media campaign starts heavily next week.”

Step 3: “We’re asking the marketing department to implement a specific marketing strategy. As the social media intern, I’d like you to work closely with Adam to make sure we keep up with our posting and engagement schedule as outlined in the strategy. The timing is critical for maximum viewership, likes, and sharing.”

Step 4: “Are you on board with us to complete this social media strategy? Do you have any other priorities on your plate we might need to reassign in order for this to come to the front burner?”

The whole conversation took sixty seconds, but the vision was presented, the tasks explained, and a commitment question was put in place to make sure it was all understood.

Enrollment works for every relationship. I can even use it to persuade my small children to get on board with my unpredictable speaking schedule. Some might say they’re too small to understand, but even when they were toddlers who spoke in three word sentences, I took time to have a conversation and talk them through each step. The pattern of good communication can be learned early, and I want them to learn it from me. I also want them to know I’m involving them instead of working around them.

Simple kid conversations can sound like this. “Hi doll baby. I’m going on a plane this week to help a group of women. I’m going to be gone for a few days, but when I get back I’m taking a couple of days off and we’re going to the park and making cookies. Can you hug me before I go?”

Sometimes, these conversations happen as a result of a frustration expressed by your counterpart. It’s a sign that enrollment is happening a little late, but better late than never.

Enrollment isn’t about manipulation.  It’s about coming up with win-win solutions to goals and major products – personally and professionally.

 

This system isn’t foolproof and you shouldn’t discount the exasperated outbursts from people close to you. It’s easy for me to jump into an enrolling conversation, but I also need to hear the feedback. In the previous example I stepped up the presence with my son so he could reconnect with me. The explanation is good, the enrollment is good, but the best persuasion in getting the people you care about on board with your dreams is making sure you aren’t persuading them at the expense of the relationship. They want to make sure they are still important, even if your clients/goals/projects are important, too.

If you like this, you’ll love the Make It Happen Toolkit.  Three of my favorite success tools available to you for FREE.  Get it here.

Are you on Facebook? I would love to connect.

– Michelle

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